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🎯 Stuck In The Middle News – Issue #165
How to tell if they are ok?

For those balancing kids, careers, and aging parents
🌐 www.stuckinthemiddlenews.com

💬 From My World to Yours

Let me share a quick story with you …
My dad was very ill - terminally ill and was sent to a nursing home in Baltimore for care. He had very advanced prostate cancer and it was not cureable.

As he deterioted health wise his mind was still very sharp and he “FELT” that he could still get around and go to the bathroom etc on his own…. he really could not and would often fall..

Many years later my mom wound up in this same nursing home..

What I am about to share some may have an issue with but here goes..

These facilites are often way under staffed and you certainly cannot assume your loved one is getting any sort of personal attention..

Before I share the todays article and tips with you let me tell you what I did..
At first - like any normal concerned family member I argued and screamed at the staff.. that CLEARLY never works ..

But I got smart- and I would come in at various times EVERY DAY
Sometimes in the morning
Sometimes in the evening
Sometimes in the middle of the day
This DID work… since they never knew when I would show up and both of my parents seemed to be getting decent attention- definitely not perfect but better than it had been

Are They Really Okay?

How to Tell If Your Parent Is Being Treated Properly in a Nursing Home

If you’ve made the difficult decision to move a parent into a nursing home, you’re not alone. And if you’re constantly wondering whether they’re truly safe, respected, and cared for—you’re definitely not alone.

Placing a loved one in long-term care often comes with guilt, stress, and second-guessing. You want to believe they’re in good hands. But you also know not every facility lives up to its promises.

So how do you really know if your parent is being treated well?

Here’s how to recognize the signs of good care, spot red flags, and take action if something feels off.

What Good Care Looks Like

Let’s start with the basics. A well-run nursing home should feel like a clean, respectful, calm, and attentive environment. Your parent should be:

• Clean and well-groomed: Their clothes are changed regularly. They’re bathed, shaved, or have hair washed as needed.

• Engaged and stimulated: They’re not just left in bed or in front of a TV all day. There are activities, music, visitors, or even simple conversations with staff.

• Receiving proper medical care: Medications are administered on time. Staff communicate clearly about your parent’s condition, changes, or appointments.

• Comfortable and safe: No signs of bedsores, unexplained bruises, or falls. Mobility aids are nearby and accessible.

• Treated with dignity: Staff speak kindly, not condescendingly. They knock before entering rooms, and privacy is respected.

• Given choices: Your parent has a say in what to wear, when to eat, or whether to participate in group events.

Subtle Signs Something’s Off

Even if there’s no obvious mistreatment, subtle cues can indicate neglect, under-staffing, or a deeper problem:

• Sudden mood changes: If your parent becomes withdrawn, depressed, or fearful, it may be a sign of emotional neglect or worse.

• You’re not welcome: If staff avoid your questions, discourage visits, or always seem rushed or defensive, take note.

• Unexplained physical issues: Bedsores, weight loss, frequent infections, bruising, or poor hygiene shouldn’t be ignored.

• Staff turnover is high: Constant changes in caregivers can affect quality of care and lead to inconsistency or missed needs.

• You feel uneasy: Trust your gut. If something feels “off,” don’t dismiss it.

How to Stay Informed Without Being the “Difficult” Relative

You don’t have to show up with a clipboard and start interrogating the staff. But you do need to be consistently present, aware, and observant.

• Visit at different times: Don’t always come during the scheduled activity hour. Try a morning, weekend, or evening visit to see what the routine really looks like.

• Talk to multiple people: Nurses, aides, physical therapists, dietary staff—get a sense of how coordinated the care is.

• Check in with other families: If possible, ask another visiting family member how they feel about the care their loved one is receiving.

• Keep a log: Track your visits, your parent’s mood, physical condition, and any issues. It can help if you ever need to raise a concern.

What to Do If You Suspect Neglect or Abuse

It’s scary to even consider, but if you suspect your parent is being mistreated, here’s what to do:

1. Document everything: Write down dates, incidents, conversations, and take photos if needed.

2. Bring concerns to the nursing director: Be firm but respectful. Ask for explanations and a written plan for improvement.

3. File a complaint with the state: Every state has a Long-Term Care Ombudsman or similar agency that investigates complaints. This isn’t being “difficult”—it’s being a good advocate.

4. Consider moving your parent: If things don’t improve, start looking at alternative facilities or even in-home care options if feasible.

5. Talk to your parent: Gently ask if they feel safe, heard, and cared for. Listen for both what they say—and what they don’t.

Care Quality Checklist

Use this checklist every few weeks to quickly assess how things are going. Print it, keep it in your bag, or copy it into a note on your phone.

✅ Appearance & Hygiene

• Clothes are clean and appropriate for the weather

• Hair, nails, and teeth/mouth appear clean

• No strong odor or signs of incontinence without care

✅ Physical Health

• No new or worsening bedsores, bruises, or skin issues

• Medication is administered on time (ask staff)

• Mobility aids and personal items are nearby

✅ Emotional Well-Being

• Parent is alert, responsive, and not overly sedated

• They seem content or at least not fearful or upset

• They engage in some social or individual activities

✅ Communication & Environment

• You’re notified about changes in health or routine

• Rooms and common areas are clean and safe

• Staff are kind, patient, and call residents by name

• You feel welcome and able to ask questions

✅ Red Flags to Watch

• Parent seems unusually quiet or withdrawn

• Unexplained injuries or emotional changes

• Staff avoids your questions or seems overwhelmed

• You’re asked not to visit at certain times

Final Thoughts

Caring for aging parents often feels like walking a tightrope—you want to trust the professionals, but you also want to protect your loved one at all costs.

You don’t have to be an expert. You just have to stay present, ask questions, and speak up when necessary. You are your parent’s advocate, and your voice matters more than you know.

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The Sandwich Survival Guide

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• Practical advice for initiating tough conversations with aging parents

• Scripts to navigate discussions with your children and employer

• Strategies to manage the emotional rollercoaster of caregiving

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